Author: Alison

E is for Ennui

I know, you are here you find out what ‘ennui’ is. This is an Alphabe-Thursday entry for Jenny Matlock’s blog.

The funny thing is, when I was trying to think of an emotion to write about for ‘E’, the word ‘Ennui’ popped into my head.

So did ‘elephant’, but that typically isn’t a feeling or an emotion.

Oh, I could probably argue it and say that after Thanksgiving dinner you might feel ‘elephant’, but that would be stretching it. So I went with the other random word.

And yes, I had to look up the definition too to make sure I was on the right track.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines ennui as such:

 

Ennui: a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction: boredom

 

So there you have the ‘what’, now for my portrayal of it – inspired by my class on Tuesday.

~~~~~~

Micah’s eyes were drooping and her head nodded while the professor continued to drone on in front of the class. Micah checked her watch.

Forty-five more minutes?!  I will never make it. She tried to listen to the lecture. She took a few notes and then began doodling on the paper. Her seat was hard and uncomfortable. She shifted around to try to find a better position. Tapping her pencil on her other hand, she looked at her watch again.

Forty-four minutes?! Seriously. I am never going to take another class this long again. A two-and-a-half hour class gives way too much information all at once. She sighed and tried to listen again.

I wonder what Devin is doing right now? Maybe I’ll text him and find out. She slid her phone out and, under the table, texted her friend.

Okay, so now what? She made another attempt at listening, her foot tapping out of desperation for something to do. She started to plan out her schedule for the weekend on her note paper.

At least I look like I’m taking notes. When that was done she put down her pencil and stared up at the board. The professor was still explaining an image of the microcirculation in the blood.

How can she talk so much? Doesn’t she get bored too? Micah’s head was feeling heavy so she leaned against her hand. I’ll just close my eyes for a second…

The sound of closing books and moving chairs startled Micah back to reality. Class was over, finally.

This is my next entry in the Alphabe-Thursday on Jenny Matlock’s blog. (you should check out the other entries too) I decided to try writing different emotions for each letter to practice capturing those emotions on paper. This is “D is for Depression” and before you ask, I am fine – thanks.

 

 

Depression

It’s not about sadness. Sadness is easy.

It’s emptiness. Whatever passed as my heart/soul/essence has been shredded and scooped out.

It is apathetic, hollow deadness.

It isn’t always the same: sometimes it is worse.

Add to the emptiness all the feelings of negativity you can imagine:

Irritation, self-pity, self-loathing, insanity, disgust, rage –

All rolling around inside like smoke spiraling in a moon-dark sky.

Sometimes it is just the emptiness.

It really isn’t about sadness.

It may come as a surprise, but sometimes the positive emotions are trickier for me to describe. So I thought I would tackle ‘Cheerful’. Typically, I would just say “So-and-so smiled.” Ta Da!

I figured I would start by listing things that make me cheerful. . .

Long-sleeved T-shirts and jeans, fall colors and a crisp touch to the air –

Pumpkin flavor, chocolate, fresh-baked whole wheat bread, homemade grape juice-

Northwestern Beaches with jagged rocks – the kind of beach that needs a sweatshirt-

Chinchillas and alpacas, Halloween, moon, purple and brown-

Matt, kids giggling, mountains, red-rock mesas, God-

Naps, lightning storms, colors and patterns in fabric (but not sewing)-

Soft touches and quick kisses, sunsets, Disneyland-

Okay, let’s try a bit of ‘cheerful’ then . . .

~~~~

The feeling burbled up from his stomach. When it reached his throat, laughter burst out, surprising even him.

~

Her eyes lit up and a smile spread across her face.

~

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes in the sunlight, holding on to the warmth that filled his chest.

~Er, hmmmm.

. . . She smiled.

(Note: I am writing this for a blog prompt on Jenny Matlock’s Blog. I missed the letter ‘A’, so I am starting with ‘B’)

B is for Betrayal

“You’re going to hate me,” Tiffany said with a pout, “I just know it.”

Carly, eyebrows raised, looked over at her best friend. “Oh really? And why is that?” Carly waited for a response, but Tifffany sat fidgeting and not talking. Not talking? Tiffany never stops talking. She must be serious. “Tiffany, what happened?”

“Well . . .,” Tiffany stretched out the word, delaying the inevitable. “Mike and I were talking. And, well, we decided that we like each other.” She bit her lip and looked up at Carly through her eyelashes.

Mike?! As in the Mike I am dating?! As in the Mike I have had a crush on for as long as you have known me? That Mike? “So you . . . talked.”  Breathe Carly, breathe.

“Yes. We talked and decided that we wanted to, you know, try out ‘us’.”

Us? What am I supposed to say? I think I’m in shock. And why is she crying?! It’s my life she is destroying. “How?”

Tiffany looked up quickly, brow furrowed. “How? What do you mean how?”

“I mean, how did it get to the point where you two would have this ‘talk’?”

“Oh. I guess I hadn’t told you. I have been going over to their apartment almost every night and hanging out with Mike and his roommates.”

“The nights you and I would go dancing?”

“I would drop you off and go over to his place.” Tiffany was looking at the ground now, softly sniffing.

“And my date nights with Mike?”

“I was at his place when he would come home.”

My best friend and the boy I had wrapped all of my heart into? This has got to be a joke. Are there cameras somewhere?  She knows how much he means . . . meant to me. Is the room spinning?

“Carly? Carly. Say something.” Tiffany slowly reached out and softly touched Carly’s hand.

Carly sat. Her shoulders slumped. “What do you want me to say?”

“Aren’t you mad? Aren’t you going to yell at me?”

Carly looked up at her best friend. “No. I’m not going to yell.” That’s what you want. You want me to yell and scream. Then you can sit back and be self-satisfied that I’m a jerk that doesn’t deserve him and you had every right to take him. No. I will NOT give you that out. You will choke on your guilt. “I don’t own him. I obviously don’t control him.”

“I would have yelled.”

“That’s where we are different.” I am screaming- on the inside. I’m bleeding and breaking and collapsing on the inside. But I won’t give you the satisfaction.

“You are a better person than I am.”

You better believe it. “So you guys had this talk and then he sent you to talk to me?”

“Yeah, because we’re friends.”

“Too bad you two didn’t think about that before you decided I was only worth betrayal. Do me a favor.” Carly stood, wiped imaginary crumbs from her lap, and rubbed the back of her neck.

“Yes?” Tiffany looked up with hope of redemption in her eyes.

“When he betrays you with the next girl – which he will – don’t come crying to me.”