Tag: me

After the Plunge

AlisonLeave a comment

I have had a post sitting in my draft folder for two years. Exactly. On October 26, 2016, I started a post entitled “After the Plunge.”

It was referring to my post from September 27th, “The Precipice”,  that I wrote the day before I started chemotherapy for colon cancer.

I had intended to give an update about my first chemotherapy experience but the title was as far as I got.  I would like to go back at and share a few of those thoughts now.

So, I have a few images from Chemo #1!

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I had a port catheter placed in my chest for administration of the chemo and for blood draws. (You can see the healing cut from the surgery just above my neck line in the photo.) I am planning on doing another post on just that alone.

This was me and my ‘last’ drink with ice. You see, the chemo combination I was going to be getting is called FOLFOX and it consists of FOL- folic acid, F- Flourouracil (5FU), and OX- oxaliplatin. One of the side-effects of oxaliplatin is a ‘sensitivity’ to cold. I can tell you now that by the time I was done with chemo, I had to drink warm water–even room temperature water was too cold.

My mom drove me over because I wasn’t sure how I would react to the chemo and how I would feel immediately after.

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I had my soft blanket and I am all hooked up to the I.V. line. The process was a two hour drip of Leucovorin (the folic acid- helps increase the efficacy of the 5FU) and the oxaliplatin. Then, when that finished, they would do an ‘I.V. push’ (a dose injected over 5 minutes or so) of the 5FU. Then came the pump.

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This is a picture of my lovely pump. I would go home with this and it would administer the 5FU over the next 44 hours or so.  I went in on Wednesdays for my treatments and then back again Friday mornings to get the pump off. It was nice for me that the worst of the side effects would kick in over Saturday and Sunday when I didn’t have to work. It would always make a soft noise, and sometimes would give off loud–and awkward, depending on where I was–beeping alarms if something wasn’t quite right.

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I had to carry it around in a fanny pack. It went everywhere with me. The store, teaching class, running kids to school, etc. I was hoping it would start a new fashion trend and everyone else would want to wear one too, but that was not to be. 😀

Funny story about the cold sensitivity:

The evening after my first treatment I had to go teach a lab. I was a little tired, but didn’t really feel any effects yet. The ‘cold sensitivity’ kept running through my mind. And, being a scientist, I decided I had to test the hypothesis.

The drinking fountain in the hall near my classroom wasn’t one of the coldest on campus. I figured I would start with a small drink from that fountain. So I did.

At first I didn’t really feel anything. And then, in my throat, something.

 

The best way I can think of to describe it is this. You know if you are eating nachos and a tortilla chip gets caught in your throat?

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Mmmmm nachos. (Photo by Natasha Bhogal on Unsplash)

(Of course, you probably chew your nachos before eating them instead of inhaling them. But I digress.) That poking sensation of something sharp, stuck in your throat was there and then it felt like it melted away. Crazy strange.

And yes, I tried again. Because you need multiple tests to prove your results, right?

Same thing happened.

It was just the beginning…

I Draw a Squiggly Line: A Year Later

AlisonLeave a comment

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When I was young, my family used to play a lot of card games. And, as it often goes, those game nights wouldn’t work out the same for everyone playing. Sometimes there would be a winning streak for one person, or a losing streak for another (i.e. my mom always winning).

Thus started the family tradition of a squiggly line.

If you were continually losing, you took the score card and drew a squiggly line on it. That meant that everything would change for you and – no more losing streak!

Well, I DRAW A SQUIGGLY LINE!

Last August (2016) I was tired of not getting everything I wanted to accomplished. I had no mental energy to do anything beyond work and family. And I wasn’t doing that very well either. So I decided to start a bullet journal because it seemed like a system that would work well for me. It started out well. I had August all written out (and September because I was that on the ball). I had things like Back to School Night on the 22nd. Kids start school on the 23rd. I started one semester of work on the 24th and the other job started on the 29th. Then…

August 21st I added in: E.R.

August 22nd I wrote in: surgery.

And August 26th: Home from the Hospital.

September has same-day surgery to place my port catheter. And the start of Chemotherapy.

My bullet journal fizzled out after that point.

I would like to go back and write about it all (at a future point) because I couldn’t write during the experience. I don’t mean to say ‘couldn’t’ like it was so horrible I couldn’t bear to write. I just didn’t write about it. I didn’t get all the reading done that I thought I would either. When I wasn’t actively running my kids around or working I was more or less vegging out or sleeping.

I am extremely grateful for blessings, miracles, amazing family and neighbors, and modern medical science. I know that my case didn’t go like many others and I’m not sure why. I am grateful for another shot at all of this. I’m grateful to be here to hear my baby’s latest goofy phrases, send my oldest off to college, and every other kids’ step in between.

There are residual effects from the chemotherapy. It has taken a long time to feel close to being myself again. And so now, I draw that squiggly line and say that the past does not define me or where I am going now. I am changing how things are going. I may try that bullet journal again (where I actually drew the squiggly line in the photo) but I am taking back control of my schedule and my goals.

If  I were a tattoo person, I think I would like to get two of them. A semicolon and a squiggly line.

The Precipice

Alison8 Comments

 

photo by Tiago Muraro

 

 

 

I am standing at the precipice.

Toes curled over the edge, contemplating.

Just a few short feet below the edge floats a swirling bank of clouds. Blocking the way down. Is it a short drop into a safe pool of water? Is it a horrifying plummet with jagged rocks below?

I don’t know. Because I can’t see.

Tomorrow I begin chemotherapy for colon cancer.

What hides in the Stygian unknown? I have no frame of reference for what will happen. I understand the process that will occur tomorrow. But how will it effect me?

I hear stories of the ‘short drop’ variety and others of the ‘screaming and flailing’ flavor. What will be my experience?

I obviously won’t find the answers to these questions until I jump. It’s like life, I think. Sometimes the anticipation–the ‘not knowing’–is worse than the reality.

And if we want to fly, we always have to jump.

I choose flight.

My cancer story started last month and a lot of what I have been struggling with before that discovery makes more sense now. I haven’t been actively writing for a long time. The exhaustion went to the bone. It felt like my very soul was worn out.  So while I haven’t been able to work on the stories I love lately, it looks like I will have a bit more practice in the realm of creative non-fiction.  🙂

Sabbatical Concluded

AlisonLeave a comment

Boom. We’re back!

Albeit with a bit less style than ^that. 🙂

My sabbatical is done. I learned some things, I think I have health issues balanced (at least adjusted), and I will have some fun news coming up in the next few months.

These are my new cute toes:

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Okay, so they aren’t new toes. I haven’t gone with the total toe transplant yet. BUT, the polish is new. And the color?

Purple With Purpose

Isn’t that a cool nail polish name? 

And so that’s what we have now, purpose. Awesome.

Let’s do this! 🙂

Sabbatical of Sorts: What?

AlisonLeave a comment

 Hello! Hi, there. Howdy. Welcome! 🙂

A little update on me and the blog. (Be forewarned that this post will be very GIF and photo heavy.) The blog will be on an unofficial/official hiatus for a bit.

I see you rolling your eyes and laughing at me.

But, since you look so good doing it, all is forgiven. 

I picked up this book at the library, hoping it would help.

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Wait. 400 pages!? I’m supposed to be able to focus on that long enough to have it help? If I could do that, I wouldn’t need the book. 

It is true.

So, you know those really cool people that can juggle thirty balls, two flaming jack-o-lanterns, and a chain saw? Imagine I was going to do that act.

But I have never juggled before in my life.

I keep dropping everything. But when it is time to throw the next ball in, I keep saying ‘sure, throw it in!’

And then, with a million items to juggle all around me at my feet. I can’t figure out which one to pick up and start with. So none of them get juggled.

It doesn’t work so well with gourds of flame and sharp power tools.

So I am just going to put this picture here right now.

alisonmillerwoods potato crispy treats

“What is that?” Good question. 

It is a sight to behold. Potato Chip Crispy Treats.

Does that name work? Maybe PotMarsh. . . no.

PotatoMallow. . . hmm.

Anyway, it is wavy potato chips with melted marshmallows. Like Rice Crispy Treats only salty/sweet. 

Where was I?

Oh, right. My sabbatical.

I am planning on learning how to juggle. But I need to start with basics, like three balls.

Or one.

I need to learn how to catch one ball first.

So I am paring down ‘Teh Internets’ until I get things together.

Then I will TOTALLY be like Batman. 

And I will nail it on the ‘first try.’ 😀

So, the TL;DR version (Because believe me, I understand.): 

I am kind of a mess 😉 and I am backing slowly away from the internet (No sudden moves!) until I get things organized.

Catch you on the flip side! 

Something is growing?

AlisonLeave a comment

 

 

Look, something is growing! 🙂

Ignore the bright toxic-orange substance. That is just cayenne pepper. I am hoping it keeps the cats from using my garden as a litter box.

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Just to give you perspective, this is what my garden has looked like for years. I call it my gourmet salad garden. Because, dandelion greens. 

We will have to see what all will grow and what I can keep growing and not lose focus halfway through the season.

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LDStorymakers Writing Conference

Alison3 Comments

 I just returned from the best weekend! I was at an amazing conference – LDStorymakers.

I learned so much – I will be sharing some things in the coming weeks- and had a great time hanging out with other crazy people that love writing!

Publication Primer Group

 This is my ‘Publication Primer’ group. It is a type of intensive critique group with a published author as a mentor. We lucked out and had two wonderful author/instructors: Renee Collins and Tyler Jolley. I had a great time meeting the other writers in my group and reading the beginnings to their stories. 

 

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Yay for writing buddies! These are some of the amazing people I have met through the iwritenetwork.com chatroom. We meet in there and brainstorm, chat, or sprint (set a time limit and see how much writing/editing/whatever we can finish in that time and then check back in). It was really fun to hang out with them in person. 

It is also one of the very few pictures I took at the conference. I always think ‘Oh, I will get my picture taken with the authors that I fangirl’ and then I get there and don’t even ask for a photo while they sign my books. Maybe someday I will remember/dare pull out the camera :D.

 

One thing I always do at these conferences. . . buy books. Seriously. I saved my Christmas monies.

To give you an idea of my. . . problem (I don’t have a problem!):

This is a picture of my ‘to read’ bookcase in my room. Keep in mind that it only shows the front layer, there is another set of books behind the ones you can see. That doesn’t count the pile in the library I still need to read either, or the ebooks. *sigh*

To read

So, what do I do?

 

new shiny books

I bring home a literal bag of new (signed!) books.

They followed me home! Honest 🙂

But really, how can you resist a new book? What I need now, is time to read!

 

What books/movies/hobbies do you like to look forward to?

 

 

Lessons Learned in a Slot Canyon

Alison2 Comments

 

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This is what exhausted looks like. With a hat.

 

This weekend I was able to hike a slot canyon (two actually).

This is one of those ‘bucket list’ type things for me. I have always been fascinated by the canyons but have never had the opportunity to try them.

We went to Ding and Dang canyons. They are in the San Rafael Swell area in Utah. Not too far from Goblin Valley. 

What? You haven’t heard of Goblin Valley? – You really need to watch Galaxy Quest. Besides being really funny, there is a scene on an alien planet with a rock monster. The amazing rock formations they are running through are Goblin Valley. Anyway. . .

There were a few things I learned — “life lessons” I’m going to call them– while on this trip through these canyons. 

 

#1: If you are out of shape, slow and steady does NOT win the race. Slow and steady makes you dead tired. 

Each time I would catch up to the rest of the (more athletically-inclined) group at the rest spot, it was time to move on. *sigh*. 

BUT, while it doesn’t win the race, it does finish it. One step at a time.IMG_0163_adj

 

 

 

#2: Sometimes, what may seem like the easiest way down can get you really, really stuck.

It is sometimes tempting to take that easier path that slopes to the right. The path that looks smooth and gentle. However, when you scrabble down the pile of rocks in front of you, you can see where that ‘easy’ path really goes. It goes to a giant pile of boulders that don’t have a way out. 

Sometimes the easy way out – just isn’t. 

 

 

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#3 Some obstacles will take a group effort to get through.

Seriously. Sometimes we can help.  Sometimes we need to accept help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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 #4 I can do really hard things. 

 

 

 Honestly. Really really hard things. Like – go on without me I will just die right here- hard things.

This last image? It is hard to get the scale to it. But, when I stood in the water at the far end (right underneath what is appropriately called a chokestone) the water went to the middle of my thighs. Oh sure, there were people in our group that could totally spider crawl across this whole thing. They didn’t get wet. But you know– I was pretty proud I made it through.

I am also super grateful to all of those who went with us and made sure we all made it. Thanks!

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Seriously. You can’t even imagine the crazy.

Thrift Store Romance

Alison2 Comments

Squatters shirt

What is a romantic gesture to you?

Let me tell you a story:

When I was in my early twenties, I had a favorite shirt.  It was long-sleeved, heavy cotton, and a fabulous green. 

(secret: I would much rather wear a long-sleeved t-shirt and jeans than anything else) It was from a local brewery pub that has great food. And while I don’t drink a drop, I loved the pun on the front: “Good for what Ales you.” 

Hysterical!  (secret #2: I have always been a sucker for a good pun. Totally my dad’s fault.)

Well, I had a friend that “borrowed” that shirt. And while I’m sure that friend returned it. . . eventually, it ended up disappearing. (sad face)

So now, jump ahead X amount of years. 

I came home from work, really late at night. Everything was dark and silent. (not so secret: it is never silent here)  I tiptoed through the house as to not wake the kidlings. My husband sleepily whispered hello and said that he had gotten me something. I was puzzled and went out to our living room to look in the plastic bag he told me about. 

In that bag was the very shirt I had lost all those years ago. He had seen it at the thrift store and bought it for me. (Fine. Probably not the same EXACT one, but close enough. It was the same shirt- sheesh.)

I was honestly surprised by the tears that I was immediately blinking away.

Such a romantic gesture. 

It wasn’t extravagant or expensive (5 bucks actually).

It wasn’t something that I had been hinting about wanting for a long time. (although those are nice too. . .)

It was something that my best friend saw, remembered me telling him a LONG time ago that it had been my favorite, and brought me ‘just because.’

That, is romance to me. Knowing what would make the other person happy and surprising them with it.

So, a question for you: How do you define a romantic gesture? Or what is romance to you?

Your own Brave (with a capital ‘B’)

AlisonLeave a comment

     I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

     About what it means to be brave.

Sometimes it may be something very different for you than it is for someone else. There can be times in life that  basic things — that may have been easy at one point — now require bravery.

                           Like getting out of bed in the morning.

     Other times, you may be able to fly higher than you ever have because you can take that one brave step.

I’m in the first case scenario right now and working to get so I can move to the second scenario. It isn’t easy.    I’m  sure it will be worth it. But it is a long climb looking up from the bottom.

            I love Sara Bareilles’s song, “Brave”. I have a hard time not tearing up every time it comes on the radio. It is one that really speaks straight to my soul. I also love a cappella music.  So I have two versions of the song for you to enjoy. The first is an a cappella rendition that I love. The second is, of course, the original. There are different things I love in both of these videos. (LOVE the dancers in the original video).  Enjoy and be brave!

                                                    What is your big Brave?